I, Shelley L., hereby announce my intention to seek the office of the President of Gather. I realize there are other candidates out there. But, they are not me. I alone represent all of your wants and desires for the improvement of Gather. You love games, so do I! You hate games, so do I!
Here are a few of my proposals that I hope to accomplish during my first 98 days in office. (Note that it takes other candidates 100 days to achieve their goals - not that I'm being critical or anything)
1. Scratch and Sniff Gather comments. The time has come. Let’s face it, Gather needs to compete on the world wide web. Scratch and sniff comments would enable us to compete on a higher level with the rest of the world.
2. Segregation – Yes, I’ve long been a fan of segregation. I support different areas for gamers, frugal shoppers, our fine Gather chefs, our Gather novel writers etc. Totally different forums for article posting would eliminate much of the fighting that has gone on with Gather. I have a dream, my dream is that we be separate but equal.
3. Elimination of flagging – Yes, your post may suck, but does it really deserve to get flagged just because some idiot doesn’t like the fact you spelled the word copywrite wrong. No! Rather than flagging, I propose to send all flaggers a gift card for a case of Jack Daniels and some pretzel twists.
4. A new mascot Sorry, Tom will be replaced. Sorry, but Gather needs a better representative. We’ve all seen the Geico gecko and the Aflac duck. Now, there are a few animals I considered, but I didn’t thnk I’d get enough votes for an ass to be the official mascot of Gather. Therefore, I’m going with the mutant blend of a groundhog and a hedgehog. I call him the Gather pointhog.
5. My fifth issue will be determined at a later date, depending on which group I decide to sell out to first.
6. Even thicker Orange Lines around comments. The time has come sorry.
7. An automatic stun function to be used on anyone sending a mass mailing that begins with the words "I hate it when people send these, but....."
8. Gather will become more mac accessible. This PC garbage needs to go. Macs rule.
9. Mandatory shock delivered through computer of anyone who drive by rates anyone elses kids at anything below a 10.
10. All people posting from other countries will be eligible to receive Borders gift cards. You CAN order from online. (I welcome all illegal immigrant votes)
11. Immediate destruction of the current gather point system. The only thing it measures is how many friends you have and well after this election I'll probably be in a lot of trouble.
Notice: Seeking Vice Presidential candidate. Ideal qualities – low self-esteem, ability to follow orders and the ability to purposefully annoy all the people who will probably get pissed off by the whole election thing. Cabinet members face same requirements. Special consideration given to people with animal icons.
**Special note: This post may be edited at will and campaign promises may be changed at will. If you would like more details about my promises and guarantees I will send them to you in .2 font klignon. Good luck deciphering that.